


the universe and its stars

by odasakunosuke



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mostly focused on Oikawa and his thoughts!, Other Haikyuu characters - Freeform, PLEASE READ THE NOTES AT THE BEGINNING
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 20:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19979797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odasakunosuke/pseuds/odasakunosuke
Summary: He was going to die, huh?He couldn't die. Not yet. He still had to go to the Nationals with his team and to see Ushijima's wrecked face with his own eyes. He had to practice even more to achieve his dream and play for the Japanese volleyball team during the olympics. He had to teach his jump serves to his nephew and tell him that it should become a family tradition from generations to generations. He had to-Oikawa's vision got blurry.He still had to do so many things.





	the universe and its stars

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! First, thank you for reading this! 
> 
> I wanted to warn about a TW I decided not to put in the tags because it doesn't concern a main character, and it's not really developed, but I've mentioned suicide twice! So please, be careful if this triggers you!

Hanahaki disease.

Oikawa heard about it thrice in his life.

The first time, he was nine. He and his mother were in the waiting room at the hospital, because Oikawa's sister had sprained her ankle in PE and had been transferred there in emergency. The little boy sitting on a chair kept himself busy by swinging his legs back and forth, his toes not even close to graze the floor under him.

His mother next to him tried not to show her anxiety, but Oikawa could see her glancing at the clock on their right every two minutes. He didn't say anything though, but deep inside of him, he just hoped to go home soon so that he could go play with his childhood friend and neighbor, Iwaizumi Hajime.

 _A sprained ankle isn't that bad_ , Oikawa thought.

Just when he was about to ask his mother for some money to buy something to drink, the doors of the hospital suddenly opened and slammed against the walls, making all the people in room jump. Oikawa, startled by the sudden noise, had grabbed his mother's forearm, but his eyes were focused on the patient laying on a stretcher.

It was a young woman, probably a college student. She was laying on her side and had an arm around her chest as if she tried to put pressure on it. Her hair was sticking to her sweaty forehead and cheeks, and she couldn't stop coughing.

What surprised Oikawa the most was that there were petals, and even some flowers, coming out of her mouth. There were stained with blood, and it seemed like she was choking on them. Each cough was more powerful, and more petals dropped on the stretcher, then on the ground.

“Okaasan, why is the lady coughing flowers?” Oikawa asked with a frown on his face. His mother didn't respond at first, her free hand was firmly clasped on her own mouth, and her eyes were filled with horror and pity.

The doctors quickly took charge of the woman who disappeared into the corridor leading to the surgery wing a few seconds later. When silence filled the room once again and that the typing of the secretary resumed, Oikawa pulled at his mother's shirt, a silent way to catch her attention and get her to answer to his previous question.

Keiko, his mother, finally looked at her son and despite the fact that she seemed more composed now, she still had that pitying look in her eyes. She replaced her son's hair behind his ear and softly grabbed his face between her hands. “We call it the Hanahaki disease. When you happen to love someone who doesn't love you back, your lungs start to get filled with petals and flowers, and eventually, they come out of your mouth.”

Oikawa's eyes narrowed. “Is it painful? She looked like she was really suffering.”

Sometimes, Keiko wished that her son wasn't so curious, so observant, and that he'd just drop the topic and talk about something childish, like the other kids. “At some point, it can be.”

“Can we cure it?”

Oikawa felt his mother's hesitation to answer. Her lips parted, closed, and parted again, as if she was looking for the right words. “Yes, we can. You can remove the flowers and roots with surgery, or it can disappear if the person you love returns your feelings.”

To a naïve kid like Oikawa, the end of his mother's sentence sounded like something coming from a tale. “Seriously? Then it's easy! She just has to make the other person fall in love with her! And if she can't, then she can always go to the doctor, is that it?”

At this moment, Keiko wanted to tell the truth to her son. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't that easy, and that she didn't tell him everything about this illness. She wanted to grab her son's hand and tell him that this woman might die, or even worse, might lose her feelings. But she didn't.

Instead, she smiled at him, and nodded. “Yes, Tooru. It's as simple as that.”

Oikawa wanted to ask more, to say that he'd fall in love with this woman if it could cure her, to wonder if his mother suffered from the hanahaki disease too, or if his father had always loved her. But his thoughts were interrupted when the doors opened again, and this time, his sister appeared.

“So cool!” Oikawa exclaimed when he spotted her crutches. “Can you let me try?”

His mother and sister laughed softly. “Come on, Tooru. Let's go home.”

Keiko walked before her children to keep the exit door open for her daughter, and Oikawa followed them soon after, glad to go home, and excited to share his story with Iwaizumi.

On his way out, he picked up a bloody petal and hid it in his pocket.

#

The second time he heard about it, Oikawa was fifteen. It was his first year of high school and he was waiting for his homeroom teacher to arrive. He was bored, and still mad that he and Iwaizumi weren't in the same class. He was even more pissed because Iwaizumi was with Hanamaki and Matsukawa, and not him. To forget about his loneliness, Oikawa was looking through the window at the late students running to their own classes when he heard his classmates talking.

“Did you hear about Nishimoto-sensei?” A girl with short hair started as she stepped closer to her friend to speak less loudly. “Apparently, the reason he was absent last week is because he was going through surgery to remove the hanahaki disease.”

Oikawa tried not to make obvious the fact that the last two words caught his attention and that he was eavesdropping on them. He couldn't understand what they were saying anymore, so he pushed his pencil off of his desk to be closer the his classmates and to be able to hear their conversation again. When he realized that he wasn't close enough, he pushed the pencil farther away with his foot and crouched next to them.

“They say that he seems... empty.” The same girl continued.

“Oh, yeah! My uncle works at the hospital, and he told me that when people suffering from this disease went through surgery, the surgeons had to remove the petals, but also the feelings with them. So even if it saves your life, it means that you won't ever be able to feel something for the person you loved! You might even forget about them.”

Oikawa, thinking that he had heard enough, grabbed his pencil and went back to his seat. He crossed his arms against his chest and suddenly, he snorted.

“Losing your feelings? That's bullshit.” He mumbled to himself. They weren't in a movie, or in a book. These kinds of things weren't real. His mother would've told him, anyway.

He decided to forget about this conversation and focused on finding a new way to annoy Iwaizumi during practice, but the sound of a door opening and closing brought him back to reality.

“Good morning everyone.” Oikawa, just like his classmates, stood up and bowed slightly.

When the teacher allowed them to sit down, his eyes were drawn to him. His teacher used to look quite young and healthy, but right now, he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. His shoulders were hunched, his lips were curved downward and his gaze was... empty.

_Bullshit. Maybe he hasn't recovered from the surgery yet._

Oikawa ignored the deep breaths his teacher was taking between each explanations. He ignored the way his voice was shaking when he was speaking too much. He ignored his shaky hands handing him back his test. He ignored the sob he heard when he closed the door behind him, after the class ended.

Two weeks later, Oikawa could no longer ignore it. Not when the school's principal reunited the entire school in the gymnasium on a Monday morning and announced that Oikawa's teacher had committed suicide.

That night, Oikawa couldn't sleep a wink. He stayed awake, stared at his glow in the dark stars on his ceiling and wondered if Nishimoto-sensei killed himself because of how empty he felt, because he regretted his decision, or both.

#

The third time he heard about, it was around 3AM. Oikawa was in his last year of high school. He was watching a volleyball game on his laptop and was scribbling down some notes about new strategies they could use during the upcoming tournament. If Iwaizumi knew that he was still up, and he'll definitely know it tomorrow, he'd kick his ass until he was sound asleep.

Luckily, Iwaizumi wasn't here, so Oikawa could keep watching his game for one more hour. But just when he was about to write down something else, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest. At the beginning, he thought that it was because how the way he was sitting, so instead of sitting with his knees against his chest, he sat cross-leggd and hoped for the pain to vanish.

But it stayed. And it worsened.

_A cold, maybe._

It had gotten colder these past few days. Some people like Hanamaki were already wearing a scarf even though it wasn't winter yet. Maybe he caught a cold because of he lack of sleep and because he wasn't wearing enough layers of clothes, even though he was the kind of guy to get cold easily.

Oikawa raised a hand to his forehead to check if he had a fever, but everything seemed normal, so he shrugged and went back to his notes. He managed to write a few ideas about new rotations or attacks they could practice next week, despite the still present pain. He took a deep breath in order to focus again, but he was interrupted by a strong cough which resonated in the entire room, even though he had covered his mouth with his hand.

The brunette was about to ignore it when he felt something soft, yet sticky, in the palm of his hand. He adjusted his glasses and took whatever was in his hand with his fingers, put it under his lamp to see it more clearly, and then, Oikawa froze.

A petal.

It was small and light pink, and after looking at it more precisely, Oikawa could recognize that it was a petal of a lotus, despite the fact that they were in November. Which meant that in that case, it was impossible that a petal had magically dropped into his hand.

Which led to one answer: it came from his mouth.

Oikawa didn't like to jump on conclusions, and he didn't want to start to imagine things, but when he saw that the petal was stained with a small drop of blood right in the middle of it, he panicked.

His first thought was to go wake up his mother and tell her about what happened. Then, he thought about ignoring it. Lastly, he wanted to call Iwaizumi.

_Iwaizumi._

He couldn't call him, could he? First, he'd lecture him for waking him up in the middle of the night once again. And what would Oikawa tell him? _'Oh, hi Iwa-chan. I caught the hanahaki disease because I've been in love with you my entire life and never had enough courage to confess my feelings.'_

No, he could definitely not call Iwaizumi.

So he did like usual, closed all the tables related to volleyball on his laptop and opened a new one. He ignored the way his fingers began to shake and typed something he wished he'd never had to type.

_hanahaki disease symptoms_

The setter pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers and scrolled through different pages.

_' The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from unrequited love, where the patient’s throat will fill up with flower, they will then proceed to throw, and cough up the petals, (sometimes even the flowers).'_

Looking at the petal he had left on his desk, Oikawa frowned. The pain he felt when he coughed the petal was already insane, was it going to be worse if he ended up throwing up flowers?

_'The plant will then start to grow within the lungs and continue to grow until it fully takes over. After four weeks, sometimes less than that, the patient’s lungs will fill up with flowers, and will eventually suffocate.'_

Did he read this right? Was he going to choke on petals and die like this? In the middle of some flowers, in his own blood?

Oikawa typed something else.

_how to cure the hanahaki disease_

He saw many, many things, which scared the hell out of him. A lot of people on different forums talked about the experiences they had lived or seen, and they all ended up pretty badly. The memory of his teacher crossed his mind, and Oikawa shook his head to force himself to forget about it.

_'One of the only ways for the disease to ‘disappear’ is if the said person returns the feeling (it can’t be resolved with friendship, it has to be genuine feelings of love)._

_The infection can also be removed through surgery, the doctors would carefully extract the plant from the patient from the patient's lungs, curing them instantly, though the feelings disappear along with the petals.'_

After reading this, Oikawa slammed his laptop shut and stood up so suddenly he hit his knee under his desk. He cursed under his breath, prayed for his parents to have heard nothing, and stared at the petal on his desk in horror.

He was going to die, huh?

He couldn't die. Not yet. He still had to go to the Nationals with his team and to see Ushijima's wrecked face with his own eyes. He had to practice even more to achieve his dream and play for the Japanese volleyball team during the olympics. He had to teach his jump serves to his nephew and tell him that it should become a family tradition from generations to generations. He had to-

Oikawa's vision got blurry.

He still had to do so _many_ things.

Oikawa became aware of his feelings for Iwaizumi when he was thirteen, but they've been there all his life. His classmates in middle school started to date, and Oikawa knew that a few people were already into him at that time. However, he didn't like the attention he got. Even now, he could live without it. He liked it more when Iwaizumi was dragging him away from his fanzone by grabbing his collar and pulling him into the gymnasium.

It felt like the entire world was focused on Oikawa, but that Oikawa's world was focused on Iwaizumi.

It has always been Iwaizumi.

He tried, he _really_ tried to get rid of his feelings. At first, because he thought that it wasn't normal for a boy to like another boy. He thought that he was sick, or that something was wrong with him, so he decided to hide it by dating girls.

When he realized that it was normal and that he shouldn't be ashamed of it, he stopped dating, and pretended that it was because he wanted to focus on his studies and volleyball. On one hand, it wasn't a lie. On the other hand, as a gay man, Oikawa just couldn't see himself holding a girl's hand, or pretending to enjoy their kisses.

That morning, when he heard about his teacher's death, Oikawa's world seemed to stop for a moment. The hanahaki disease was terrible because if it wasn't cured, you'd suffocate and die. However, even though his teacher had went through surgery, the loss of his feelings was so unbearable he took his own life.

Oikawa didn't want to go through that. He didn't want to have to choose between his love for Iwaizumi, and his life. He didn't want to make a choice, he wanted to have both of them, or neither of them.

So, he decided to ignore his feelings and to keep them hidden even more than before. He thought about holding Iwaizumi's hand less often, he stopped focusing on the way their shoulders bumped together when they were walking home after school, he ignored the feeling in his chest every time Iwaizumi was genuinely smiling at him, for example after winning a game.

He tried so hard, so why hadn't these feelings disappeared?

The answer was pretty obvious: because he still loved him, and he'd still love him even with a knife against his throat.

Oikawa felt another way of pain through his entire body and cough two more times, only to find two petals in his hand. He put them with the first one on his desk and decided, like a responsible adult, to sleep it off.

Maybe sleep would help him.

#

Sleep didn't help him. Sleep didn't help him because he didn't sleep a wink. He stayed awake all night long, either coughing more and more petals, or thinking about how he was going to hide it from Iwaizumi.

He didn't find an answer, so he decided to improvise. His morning routine was still the same, except for the fact that he had to throw tissues filled with petals in his bin. But despite that, his hair was still perfectly styled. He had some horrible dark circles though, but he managed to cover this mess with some makeup he had stolen from his sister when she last visited.

Before joining Iwaizumi outside, he took a deep breath and hit his cheeks with his hands to get a grip on himself. He could feel the light but present pressure on his throat, and the scratchy feelings inside of it. He wanted to rip it off, to slice his chest open and to remove the flowers and roots himself, it was only the beginning, and it was already troublesome.

“You look like shit.” Iwaizumi slid his hands into his pockets and started walking on his own while Oikawa closed his gate behind him before catching up with his best friend.

“Good morning to you too, Iwa-chan!” His voice didn't sound any different. That was a good thing.

“Morning, asshole. I mean it though, did you stay awake all night again?” Instead of responding, Oikawa shrugged and Iwaizumi lightly shoved him with his shoulder. “We have a tournament next month, you should be taking care of yourself.”

Was Oikawa going to make it to the tournament? He didn't remember the exact day. Maybe he'd be able to go, or maybe he'd suffocate before that. The brunette shivered and suppressed a cough. He could feel the petals threatening to come out of his mouth, so he swallowed them back and the taste was so horrible he thought he was going to throw up.

“Are you seriously okay? You look pale, are you sick or something? Do you want to go to the nursery?” Iwaizumi asked, with a inch of genuine concern in his voice.

“I'm fine, I'm fine! I didn't sleep a lot, to be honest. But I'll be okay, don't worry.” Iwaizumi didn't look so reassured, so Oikawa tried to find a way to escape once they had stepped into their high school. “Ah, I need to find Yasuda-sensei to ask her something. See you at lunch, Iwa-chan!”

The brunette didn't even glance at his best friend and his confused face one last time. Once he was sure Iwaizumi could no longer see him, he ran straight through the bathroom, grabbed the closest bin, and cough into it until the bottom was covered with petals.

The bell rang, and Oikawa had to leave, otherwise he'd be late for his first class. He looked at himself in the mirror and dried the sweat running down his temples with a tissue, before leaving, the pressure on his throat a constant reminder of the reality he had yet to face.

#

How was he going to tell his family, his friends? His mother would definitely cry and he didn't want to see that. He didn't want to be the reason for her tears. His sister would probably come home, ask his brother who's in love with, and kick Iwaizumi's ass until he reciprocates Oikawa's feelings. His father... maybe his father would come back from his business trip. Or maybe he wouldn't, Oikawa didn't care.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa would probably think he's joking at first. They might start to believe him once he throws up flowers on their sneakers. Iwaizumi, considering that he ignores the fact that _he is_ the reason why Oikawa is sick, would ask him to go to the hospital. Oikawa couldn't do that. Would his coach kick him out of the team?

Last night, when Oikawa couldn't sleep, he thought about the different possibilities. He could confess his love for Iwaizumi and, in the most idealistic possibility, his best friend would say he loves him back and Oikawa's illness would disappear. Or he would tell him he doesn't love him that way, cry because he feels guilty for being the one Oikawa's in love with, also because he's incapable of loving him back, and ask him to think about the surgery, before leaving his life for his “well being.” Yeah, Oikawa could definitely see that coming. Was Iwaizumi even attracted to guys? Maybe he'd even call him disgusting.

The last possibility was the surgery. If he were being honest, Oikawa would admit that he almost ran to the hospital as soon as he saw the petal in his palm. But then, when he thought about what had happened to his teacher, this possibility had become absolutely impossible.

Iwaizumi had been with him _all_ his life. He was with him the first time he cried because he fell and scraped his knees, he was with him when Oikawa's first girlfriend dumped him, he was with him when Oikawa's father shouted at him after he discovered his son was into boys.

He felt so many things with Iwaizumi: pain, sadness, joy, hope... Iwaizumi was everywhere, in every aspect of his life, and if the surgery was going to remove every feelings related to Iwaizumi, then Oikawa would lose a part of him. Not just his romantic feelings, but he'd also lose the excitement he felt every time he thought about playing volleyball, because he knew Iwaizumi would play with him.

He'd be empty, just like his teacher was, and Oikawa couldn't live like that. He knew it, it'd kill him.

“Earth to Oikawa, earth to Oikawa. Did the aliens finally get you?” Hanamaki's words cut straight through the setter's thoughts. Oh, right, they were having lunch. Oikawa couldn't eat. He didn't want to take the risk to throw up or cough in front of them.

“Sorry, what did you say?” Oikawa played with the food in his bento, barely paying attention to Hanamaki's complaints that he was never listening to him.

“Wanna go to the theatre to see that movie you were talking about during practice? Iwaizumi thought it'd be nice, considering that we haven't gone out the four of us in a while.”

Oikawa shook his head. “Sorry. I can't. I have... something to do. With Takeru.”

“I thought Takeru was with his-” Iwaizumi started, but Oikawa cut him.

“Nope. He's not. I gotta go, see you guys at practice.” Oikawa took his belongings and left the classroom in a rush, under the confused gazes of his friends. He couldn't hang out with them more than he needed to, it'd be too risky.

He didn't know what hurt him the most. The pain in his body, or the fact that he had to lie to the people he cared the most about.

Probably both.

#

Hiding the hanahaki disease the first week wasn't too complicated.

Each morning, Oikawa would cough as many petals as possible before joining Iwaizumi outside. Once they were at school, he'd excuse himself and go to the bathroom, make sure he's alone, and cough again until he's out of breath before going to his classes. At the beginning, eating with his friends was fine, but when the pressure on his throat became too intense, so he pretended to have some duties and skipped lunch. And when Iwaizumi and him were going home, he'd hold back his coughs, or hide the petals in his pockets when Iwaizumi wasn't looking at him.

It was more complicated to pretend that everything was normal during practice, though.

He realized it the first day: he had less stamina and couldn't keep up with Iwaizumi anymore when they were doing laps. He had to drink more water, sit more often than before, ask for a break even though his teammates didn't need one.

He was _falling_ _behind_ , and maybe it was scaring him more than death.

Oikawa thought he'd be able to hide it one more week, and since Iwaizumi hadn't asked anything about his attitude, he considered his secret to be safe.

Everything changed on the following Monday.

His nights already used to be bad, but since his illness had started, they had worsened. He couldn't sleep on his stomach, and sometimes, he'd woke up, sweaty and breathless, as if someone had tried to suffocate him with a pillow during his sleep. Usually, after that, he wouldn't fall back asleep, too afraid to never wake up again.

That morning, he thought he wouldn't be able to go to school after coughing in his bin for ten minutes straight. He was glad his father wasn't home and that his mother had left early, because otherwise, they'd had taken him to the hospital immediately.

When Oikawa felt like he could breathe again, he looked at the bin and spotted one, tiny but pretty flower.

Oh, and more blood, too.

His chest was aching, every too-deep breath, every too-sudden movement was causing him so much pain, he just wanted to stay home and never get up again. But he had to.

So, he joined Iwaizumi.

Seeing this familiar face made him feel slightly better. His skin was even tanner now that Oikawa's skin had become paler. Iwaizumi was unconsciously nicer too. Sometimes, when Oikawa had some struggle regaining his breath, he could feel Iwaizumi's palm on his back, and his voice telling him to take all the time he needed.

If only Iwaizumi knew that he _didn't_ have time.

Later that day, during lunch break, Oikawa found himself sitting on the bathroom floor in the most isolated building of the school which was only frequented by delinquents and the photography club after school.

He was sweating and his hands were shaking. He didn't know at this point if he was coughing petals or _blood._ Maybe it worsened quickly because he was doing volleyball almost every day.

Maybe he didn't have three more weeks to live, but two, or even less.

Oikawa cried a little. He hated feeling so vulnerable, but when he thought about dying, and then about Iwaizumi's smile, he couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks.

He was scared. No, he was _terrified_. He shouldn't be thinking about death, he was only seventeen, he should be thinking about his future life, his graduation, but definitely _not_ about who's he going to put on his testimony.

Five, or twenty minutes later, he eventually got up, splashed some fresh water on his face and went back to his classroom for a class he didn't care about.

He didn't see that something he was pretty familiar with had spotted him leaving the bathroom, and had entered right after him.

#

“Oikawa-san.” Started Kunimi when they were running laps in the gymnasium. “Can I talk to you after practice?”

The brunette stared at his underclassman with wide-opened eyes. “Of course! Does Kunimi-chan want some romantic advices?”

Oikawa's grin faded when Kunimi nonchalantly mumbled _'Something like that'_ and left to stretch.

Practice was a pain. It truly was. He couldn't breath, he couldn't move, he couldn't toss, he couldn't focus properly, and he ended up on the bench. He waved off Iwaizumi when he saw his best friend opening his mouth to ask him something, and went to the locker room to get changed.

He hated that. If there was one thing he loved almost more than Iwaizumi, it was volleyball. So the fact that he couldn't play because of the guy he has been in love with all his life was making him lose his mind.

By the time practice was over, Iwaizumi and everyone else had already left. Oikawa was sitting on a bench in the courtyard, the wind slowly blowing the last remaining leaves on the trees and somehow allowing Oikawa to breathe more easily.

“Sorry, I'm here.”

Kunimi didn't sit next to him. He just stayed there, a few meters away from Oikawa, looking at the ground with a focused but also pained expression on his face.

“What did you want to talk about? Did something finally snatch your cold, detached heart?” The brunette had a small smile on his face. Despite teasing him so much, Kunimi was actually a junior he really liked. He was quiet, but his game sense was amazing.

“It's not about me, Oikawa-san. It's about you.” The world seemed to go silent around them, even the leaves falling around them seemed to stop. “You have it, don't you? The hanahaki disease.”

Oikawa took back everything he just thought about Kunimi. He hated this kid. So damn observant. “Why would you think that?” This time, they both knew it, none of them were joking. Oikawa usual smiling, cheerful and bright face had completely disappeared and now, his lips were tightly pressed together and his eyes slightly narrowed.

“I saw you coming out of that bathroom during lunch.” He explained. “Outside of volleyball, I'm in the photography club and I help them sometimes. I went to grab a camera and I recognized you.” Kunimi stepped on a leaf in front of him. “I didn't think anything about it at first, even though you looked quite sick. But then, I wanted to use the bathroom, and that's when I saw them. The petals.”

Wait wait wait, he hadn't flushed the toilet? How could he forget something like that?

Oikawa was at loss for words. “Have you told him?” The setter tilted his head, silently telling his junior to elaborate. “Iwaizumi-san. It's him, isn't it?”

A few seconds passed, and then, Oikawa laughed. He laughed so hard his entire body trembled and he even saw that Kumini flinched in front of him. He laughed until the pain in his chest was too strong to allow him to continue. “I've always known you were different, but I didn't expect you to be so damn smart.”

“I'm not trying to be smart, I'm wo-”

Oikawa interrupted him. “Don't say that word. I'll be fine, so please, forget about it.”

“But have you told him?” Kumini insisted.

Oikawa's gaze dropped on the ground and a smile, this time a sad one, took place on his lips. “No.”

“Listen, Oikawa-san. With all the respect I owe you, I believe that what you're doing right now, and what you're going to do, is pretty dumb.” Kumini sighed, his eyes looking at the sky above them. “The team needs you, your family needs you, and Iwaizumi-san needs you the most. It's understandable that you don't want to talk about it to everyone, but he _isn't_ everyone.”

The brunette was frozen in place by his junior's words. Was he supposed to say something back? Probably not. So he kept his mouth shut. “You're a lot of things, but you're not selfish and stupid enough to think that lying to everyone is a good way to protect them from the truth. Sorry for being so straightforward, but you're worrying everyone. Especially Iwaizumi-san. ”

Another sigh. Oikawa's hands begun to shake. “I'll get going now. You should stop coming to practice, I'll tell the coach that you're sick or that you hurt your ankle again.”

Kunimi started to walk towards the school gate, but he stopped to add something else.

“We all trust you, captain.”

And with that, Kunimi was gone, and Oikawa was lost.

Pain. That's all he felt. At this point, he didn't know if the pain in his chest was because of the roots slowly getting tighter around his lungs, or because of his anxiety making it harder to breathe.

His vision got blurry, and for the second time today, hot tears streamed down his face, before falling on the ground between his feet. He couldn't suppress the coughs this time, and the ground slowly became a mix of petals, blood, and tears.

The world started to spin and he thought that this was it, he was going to die, all alone, on this uncomfortable bench where his junior had just called him out a few minutes before.

With what remained of his strength, he unlocked his phone and called his mother. She answered the call within three rings and when she heard the broken voice of her son, calling for help and choking on his own sobs and coughs, she immediately grabbed her keys and drove to help him.

Oikawa saw her stepping out of her car and running towards him with a panicked look on his face.

A sigh of relief escaped his bloody lips, and his eyes closed.

The last thing he thought about before collapsing onto the ground, was the rare, hoarse but sweet laugh of his best friend.

#

It took five hours for Oikawa to wake up. Keiko had gone to the closest hospital and the doctor declared that he had fainted due to exhaustion, mostly caused by the illness. When he opened his eyes, she almost jumped on his bed and hug him close, so close he couldn't breathe.

After crying for a bit, she lectured him about how he should have told her before and that he didn't have to keep his burden to himself, and Oikawa apologized multiple times.

Oikawa could leave the hospital after a last check up. The doctor recommended him to come back for the surgery, which Oikawa politely declined.

On their way home, Keiko didn't ask who was the person Oikawa was in love with, because she knew. However, after her son explained everything to her, the first petal, his week, Kunimi, she told him that if she were in his body, she'd talk to Iwaizumi.

They stepped inside the house, but when his mother's eyes fell on a picture of Oikawa during his eighth birthday, she bursted into tears and Oikawa was the one to hug her this time. She spent probably an hour crying in his arms, telling him that she didn't want to lose him and that she was sorry for being such a bad mother, for not having realized something was wrong with him these last days.

And Oikawa cried too, answering that it wasn't her fault, and that he didn't want to die either, that he didn't want to leave her or anyone, but that he was so, _so_ scared.

They eventually stopped crying, but they kept talking for hours after that. Oikawa never talked about his problems, especially to his mom. Even though he had always been really close to her and his sister, he thought that because his father wasn't often here, he had to protect them. So, he listened to them, helped them as much as he could, but he avoided sharing his worries with them.

That night, Oikawa confessed everything. That he was in love with his best friend, that he didn't want to die, but that confronting Iwaizumi was scaring him more than anything else in the world, even if he was in so much _pain_ he didn't know what to do.

In the end, his mother told him that she hadn't said anything to Iwaizumi, about him collapsing. Oikawa was grateful because he knew Iwaizumi would freak out. Considering that it was already 2AM, she also forced him to turn his alarm off and to skip school, because after what happened, he definitely needed to rest. She'd deal with Iwaizumi in the morning when he'd wait in front of their house.

When Oikawa reached his bed, he immediately fell asleep. He was so tired, he didn't even have the strength to think. His illness could wait.

Well, no, it couldn't. But he didn't have another choice. After talking to his mother, everything was a mess in his head. Of course he didn't want to die, and he didn't want to suppress his feelings for Iwaizumi with the surgery, which was easily understood by his mother who told him she'd have done the same.

The only option remaining was to confess to Iwaizumi.

Everyone around him, Kunimi, his mother, seemed to encourage him to do so. Maybe they truly wanted him to make a fool of himself.

He slept more than ten long hours and felt like a new man. Until the pain in his chest reminded him of the pathetic man he was indeed, and made him cough more petals.

Skipping school was the best thing ever. He could cough without hiding himself, and it lessened the pressure on his throat, as if letting everything out was actually better than keeping everything inside of him.

However, since he had coughed this first petal, this day was the worst of all.

Oikawa didn't know why, but it seemed like the illness had suddenly worsened. He couldn't leave his bed, and when he had to go use the bathroom or go downstairs to get some water, he had to catch his breath every five steps.

His mother had decided to stay home, so wherever he was going, she made sure she stayed close to him, just in case. Keiko helped him climb the stairs just like when he was a little kid, and even though she hid it, she was in so much pain too.

Oikawa fell asleep again in the afternoon. He didn't have a lot of options, anyway. He could stay awake and cough in his bin the entire day, or he could take a nap which would allow his body to be on pause.

His dreams quickly became nightmares. They were filled with tears, death, petals and of course, Iwaizumi's face. In every dream, Iwaizumi tried to catch his hand, but failed every time. Oikawa ended up alone, in the dark, with petals falling from the sky and becoming his grave.

The feeling of a cold but comforting hand woke him up. When he opened his eyes, his mother was right next to him. She had a damp towel in her other hand, so Oikawa guessed he must have a slight fever due to the pain.

“The doctor called.” She spoke softly. Keiko helped him to sit up, her hand brushing his bangs out of his eyes. “The... illness has worsened because you're an athlete who practices a lot even when you're sick, and also because you held it back for too long.” Oikawa saw the tears threatening to spill from her eyes, but made no comment. “He gave you five days to make your decision. I can call them back to make an appointment for the surgery, or you can try and confess to him, honey.”

 _Confess._ Those words tasted like acid. “What if it doesn't work?” He asked, meaning, _what if Iwaizumi doesn't return my feelings?_

Instead of answering, Keiko offered her son a small, knowing smile and kissed his forehead. “He's downstairs.”

At these words, Oikawa's eyes widened and, feeling a suddenly rush of adrenaline, he jumped out of his bed and ran downstairs. He spotted Iwaizumi, sitting on his couch, his leg anxiously bouncing. His best friend turned his head to the stairs when he heard the rushed footsteps and the two of them stared at each other with a dumbfounded expression.

“Iwa-chan... What are you doing here?”

Iwaizumi stood up and walked towards Oikawa slowly, as if he was approaching an animal he didn't want to scare. “You didn't answer my texts, and when I knocked at your door this morning, your mom told me to come back after school. What the fuck is happening to you?”

The spiker grabbed Oikawa's wrist with his hand and closed his fingers around it. “Have you been skipping meals again? You look skinnier.”

Oikawa snatched his wrist out of Iwaizumi's grip. The contact of Iwaizumi's skin on his felt like it was burning him. He took a step back, and ignored the hurt look on his friend's face. “I'm just a little sick, that's all!” Need to change the topic: now. “Will you lend me your notes? Mom doesn't want me to go back to school this week.”

It was a lie, Oikawa, Iwaizumi and his mother knew it. His mother never told him she wanted him to stay home. Iwaizumi, at first glance, believed that his illness didn't look so serious to stay home for an entire week. Oikawa didn't want to go back to school because he wanted to stay in his bed and hide for the next five days.

“Are you dating someone?” Iwaizumi asked out of the blue.

“What? No! I'd tell you if it was the case. What kind of question is that?” Oikawa's stomach clenched, and this time, he didn't know if it was because he needed to throw up, or because there was an expression on Iwaizumi's face he had never seen before.

This time, Iwaizumi took a step back. “Then why are you hiding things from me, Tooru?”

“I'm not-”

“You are.” The spiker stated. “Forget about it, if you don't wanna talk, I'm not going to force you.” Iwaizumi turned around, his back facing Oikawa, and the brunette suddenly felt the urge to grab his hand. “I'll leave the notes and homework in your mailbox after school.”

“Iwa-”

Before leaving, Iwaizumi glanced back at him with a frown on his face, but this one was different. It wasn't the frown he had when he was focusing on a math problem, or the frown he had when he was staring at Oikawa after another childish remark. “It seems that your ankle isn't really hurting, after all.”

This frown was unclear, confused, _distant_. Like he didn't know Oikawa anymore, like he couldn't read or understand him.

Iwaizumi wasn't only worried and bothered.

He was _hurt._

And it was Oikawa's fault.

Oikawa understood, after the door shut, what was this expression on Iwaizumi's face. He had lied to him, right in front of his face. He had been the first one to put some distance between them. He had hidden things from him even though they shared a promise to _always_ talk to each other when something was wrong. Iwaizumi had always been there for him, but this time, it wasn't like that.

Iwaizumi wanted _Oikawa_ to be there for _him._ Because he was worried, because he was scared, because he didn't know what was happening with him and because he hated being unable to do anything. Iwaizumi was someone Oikawa could rely on ever since they were little, but this time, for the first time, Oikawa decided to turn his back at him.

Iwaizumi was displease, not because his “best friend and always there for you” pride was hurt, but because if Oikawa was hiding something from him, then it must be something really bad.

He knew that his best friend was going through something terrible, and yet, he couldn't do anything. Because he didn't know. Because the other didn't let him know.

That evening, when Keiko returned downstairs after hearing Iwaizumi leaving, she held her son in her arms for the second time as he cried. The pain in his lungs, in his throat, was nothing compared to the pain in his heart after understanding that he was the reason for Iwaizumi's torment, even though he had tried so hard not to be.

#

People will tell you that five days is long enough to think and to make a choice, but to Oikawa, it wasn't.

He spent the first day staring at his ceiling with nothing in mind. He didn't want to face reality, he didn't want to choose, so he decided not to.

The second day, he had to use his mother's laptop and when he unlocked it, he spotted some tables she hadn't closed. They were all about the consequences of the surgery to cure the hanahaki disease, and right next to her laptop, there was a post-it with notes written on.

_Loss of feelings for that person. Loneliness. Confusion. Never ending feeling of having lost something._

If Oikawa had hesitated about going to the hospital, now, he was sure he didn't want to resort to it.

The petals falling from his mouth as he coughed once again reminded him that Iwaizumi hadn't talked to him since he last visited.

The third day, Oikawa texted him.

 _'Hey.'_ He started. _'Sorry for acting so weird last time. Your visit took me quite off guard, but I didn't want to hurt you or act distant. I'm sorry. I'll explain everything to you one day, but for now, I'm feeling better.'_ That was a lie, in the middle of the night, he thought that his lungs were going to come out of his mouth. _'Thank you for the notes, I don't understand a thing about the chemistry homework, but I'm sure I'll get a better grade on the test than you anyway! How's volleyball going? I bet it's super boring without me.'_

The brunette expected Iwaizumi to ignore him, but instead, he answered in less than five minutes.

_'Fuck you. It's quiet. Makki and Mattsun are such a pain.'_

Oikawa smiled for the first time in what felt like years. He knew that by this text, Iwaizumi meant that he missed him. Iwaizumi hated when things were too quiet, he had confessed one day. It was like the world was mourning, and he hated it. During one party, after drinking too many drinks, Iwaizumi had told him that Oikawa was like a constant noise which never fades. The brunette understood that as a way to express that _Oikawa fills the silence Iwaizumi hates the most_.

Oikawa was walking past the window of his living room when he spotted Iwaizumi coming back from school that day. He hid behind the curtains and observed the spiker who dropped the notes in the mailbox. The brunette thought that after that, he'd just turn around and walk to his house, but instead, Iwaizumi stood there for a few seconds.

He took a step forward Oikawa's house but stopped, his hands clenching into fists. He wasn't wearing his contacts or glasses, so he couldn't see the smallest details, but he was sure Iwaizumi had opened his mouth and said something similar to _talk to me._

Had he hesitated to knock on his door the two past days too?

The setter watched, as his best friend made his way on the other side of the street and almost tripped on the sidewalk. A chuckled escaped his lips, and his mother's eyes, who was sitting on the couch a few meters away, filled with tears at this sound.

The fourth day was the worst.

Oikawa wasn't really afraid of the choice he had to make. He knew what he had decided to do, after all. What he was scared to do, was _how_ to do it.

His coughs got really bad that day. The petals were almost fully stained with blood, and he could feel the roots around his lungs making it harder for them to expand when he was trying to breath. He was drained, both emotionally and physically, and his fever had come back stronger than before. Keiko, when she returned home from work, found him laying on the couch with a trickle of blood coming out of his mouth and for a second, she really thought that his son had died.

But he was fine. For now.

That night, he couldn't sleep. Because he knew that he had to face Iwaizumi, and yet he didn't know how to do it. He could just send him a text, wait for his answer, and either call the ambulance or wait for the roots to disappear.

Those words Iwaizumi had said in front of his house crossed his mind again. _Talk to me._

Of course, that was the answer. So simple and so evident, and yet Oikawa didn't think about it before that. He thought about hiding it, curing it, avoiding it, but he never thought about _talking_ about it.

Iwaizumi was there when he spoke for the first time as a child, Iwaizumi was there when he stood up against his father, Iwaizumi was there to talk to him through the entire way to the hospital when he fucked his knee up.

Talking to him could be painful, especially when Iwaziumi was there to call him out on his bullshit. But their conversation could be so deep, and relaxing too. Oikawa spent hours and hours in Iwaizumi's bedroom, talking about the most random things. The flow of their words was natural and innocent. None of them had to think about their sentences too much. Talking with Iwaizumi was like laying on a boat and letting himself being carried away by the waves.

Words. Actions. Feelings. There were connected by everything, and they shared all of them.

_They shared feelings._

And yet, when Iwaizumi wanted to talk, Oikawa turned his back at him. Oikawa deliberately broke their connection just because he was afraid and _that_ is what had hurt Iwaizumi the most.

Holy shit, he had to talk to him. It was 3AM, and Oikawa had, no, he _needed_ to talk to him.

The brunette made it downstairs in a couple of seconds, not bothering to think about if he was making too much noise for the sake of his mother. She knew from the beginning that he'd make this choice eventually, so when she heard her son cursing after he bumped into a wall, she just smiled and went back to sleep, a relieved feeling settling in her stomach.

Oikawa didn't have time for a jacket, or even for shoes, so he sloppily put flip-flop on and left the house, in the middle of the night, with only a shirt and sweatpants on.

Running with flip-flop was a pain, but he managed. He hadn't run in a while because he couldn't, but if he was paying attention to his body right now, he'd realize that it's screaming in agony. But he didn't care. All he thought about was Iwaizumi, Iwaizumi's warmth, and Iwaizumi's words.

When he spotted his best friend's house, he got too carried away and lost his focus and tripped. A look at his knees allowed him to see that he had torn his sweatpants, and that he was probably bleeding, but none of that mattered at this moment.

It made him laugh. Because it was so familiar. As a child, he was often scrapping his knees, and Iwaizumi would always hold his hand, bring him home, and stay with him when his mother cleaned the wounds.

And now, there he was.

He climbed the small gate of Iwaziumi's house and went straight to the back of the house, looking at Iwaizumi's window. He could see the reflection of the moon in it, and the small breeze of the night reminded him that it was almost winter, and also that he was freezing.

But before he could do anything, a sharp pain crossed his entire body. His breathing was harsh and uneven, his legs threatened to give up on him, his vision got blurry and all he could think about was _not now._

It worsened, and Oikawa started to choke on himself. Even in the dark, he saw that the petals coming out of his mouth were dark red. He didn't know how he managed not to wake up the entire neighborhood, but he didn't.

It burnt. It ached. At this point, Oikawa was wheezing. He bumped his fists against his chest a few times, as if it would allow more petals to come out, but it didn't work. And he felt, he really _felt_ the roots tightening around his lungs, making the pressure worse, and the air harder to breathe.

Usually, he'd have reached the window in less than a minute, but with petals, and even flowers, coming out of his mouth without even needing to cough, it took him longer than expected.

The pressure on his chest was so intense. It was a mix of pain, stress and fear, and Oikawa wanted to get rid of it. When he decided that the pain had lessened, the roots stopping to grow for now, he took it as an opportunity to knock on Iwaizumi's window to wake him up.

Soon enough, it opened, and Oikawa was faced with Iwaizumi's half-asleep face, his right hand rubbing his eyes and the other looking for the switch, in vain.

“Oikawa?”

“Holy shit, Iwa-chan.” The brunette wasted no more time and almost jumped into his room, wrapping his arms around Iwaizumi's waist and burring his face into his chest. “Holy shit.” He repeated.

That seemed to have woken up the spiker immediately. “Woah, woah. You ok? You're shaking.” Oh. Maybe he was, he hadn't realized.

The next few seconds were quite inexplicable for Oikawa, especially with the ache in his chest, but he found himself wearing Iwaziumi's sweater and sitting on his bed. “I'm sorry.” His voice was shaking, too. He was probably crying, but he felt so numb, he couldn't pay attention to it.

“Oikawa, look at me.” The brunette did. He stared into his best friend's green eyes, warm and comforting, and Oikawa unconsciously sat closer to him. “Talk to me, please.”

_Talk to me._

_Talk to him._

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” He began. “I lied, I'm not okay at all, I'm so fucking scared I'm going to die.”

Iwaizumi frowned. “Don't say such things.”

“But it's _true._ I'm terrified, these last weeks have been absolute hell and I haven't been able to tell you _anything_ because I thought it'd be better for you but in the end, I realized that I made it worse.” The brunette dropped his head against Iwaizumi's shoulder and closed his eyes. “And then you just told me to talk to you and the answer was so simple after all.”

Confusion was clear on Iwaizumi's face, but he didn't say anything, or move a toe. Oikawa had finally decided to talk, and stopping him would be a crime. “I don't have a cold. I have... I have it, Iwa-chan. The hanahaki disease.”

This time, he felt Iwaizumi's entire body tense next to him. “So you...?” A loud and sudden cough interrupted the spiker, and when he looked at Oikawa's palm, he saw it. A lotus flower, covered in spit and blood, and Iwaizumi felt his heart drop on the ground. “We have to take you to the hospital.”

The spiker was about to get up, but Oikawa grabbed his wrist and sat him back on the bed, his fingers clenching around the flower in his hand. “Could you imagine the universe without all the stars?” The brunette asked, and Iwaizumi shook his head. “Me neither.”

“I've been pretty selfish, uh? Hiding all those things from you. I guess you believed I was mad at you, or something. You know, you're pretty dumb sometimes, because you always think you've done something wrong, even though you're the kindest human on earth. Even with this gorilla looking face and this scary frown of yours.” Oikawa laughed slightly at his own words. “You've always been looking after me. For as long as I can remember. I can't forget about you so easily, right?”

Confusion didn't leave Iwaizumi's face. “What do you...”

Oikawa snorted. “Oh my god, you're so dense. I'm slowly dying here, so please focus.” The setter took a deep breath, his bones threatening to break because of the pressure against the roots. “The reason I decided not to go under surgery is because I couldn't imagine forgetting about almost my entire life.” He explained.

“I can't imagine living without any memory of you, Hajime.” The smile on Oikawa's face was so genuine, so sincere but also so vulnerable, and Iwaizumi understood immediately that he had been waiting to say that for years, but that it also scared him. “I really, really am in love with you. Always been, in fact.” The brunette nervously played with his fingers and the hem of Iwaizumi's sweater.

They looked at each other for a while in silence. They could hear the wind outside and probably their own heartbeat too, creating some anticipation in the room. The lightning of the moon was accentuating Oikawa's gaze, afraid but relieved to have finally shared what he kept hidden for so long. “Could you... I don't know... Say something? Because I might actually really die before the sunrise, y'know. So maybe you should prepare yourself to take me to the hospi-”

“You're a fucking idiot.” Oikawa's eyes lightly widened when he saw that Iwaizumi's own eyes were blurry with tears, too. “I've been the reason for so much pain and you haven't told me _anything_?”

“I know, I'm sorry.”

“I'm your fucking best friend, Oikawa.”

These two words he feared the most hurt him more than he had expected them to. “Yeah, I know. But that's kind of a problem now so-”

“I'm going to kiss you.” The brunette's entire body flinched so hard it made the bed creaks under them. “I'm going to kiss you, and then I'm going to punch you.”

Words, language, actions, everything was suddenly forgotten. Oikawa had become a lifeless doll, Mouth slightly opened, hands uselessly hanging in the air above his thighs, eyes burning with tears at the realisation of Iwaizumi's words.

“Is that okay?” The spiker asked and he scooted closer. He put his hands on Oikawa's cheeks, but the pressure was light, allowing the brunette to step back if he didn't want this. They were close, close enough so that their nose were almost touching but they were looking at each other. Iwaizumi's gaze was confident, _determined_.

Not trusting his voice, Oikawa nodded.

Lips were against his right after that. He closed his eyes and frowned so hard it was hurting him, but it created a contrast with Iwaizumi's lightly chapped, yet soft mouth pressing against his own.

Suddenly, everything inside of him vanished. The roots loosened around his lungs, the petals disappeared and the pain was replaced with a comforting, delightful feeling.

Before, he felt like his chest would burst open because of the roots, but now, it just felt like birds wanted to come out of it. 

Oikawa would gladly let them out.

Iwaizumi broke their kiss, and very softly, he head-butted him. Oikawa's hand grabbed Iwaizumi's, still against his cheek, and they both broke into laughter, before they kissed again, and again, and again.

Oikawa felt free. For weeks, he felt like a lost child in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, with no hope, no future. And Iwaizumi had arrived, grabbed his hand, and pulled him under the light again.

He had shown him life, he had shown him joy, he had shown him love.

“I love you.” Iwaizumi whispered, a secret, a promise. “I love you, I love you, fuck, I love you so much, Tooru.”

The brunette only nodded, arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him close. Oikawa hid his face in Iwaizumi's neck, breathing as much as he could, this familiar scent. This scent, which made him feel like he was safe, like he was home.

He felt asleep just like that, with Iwaizumi hugging him, promising against his ear that he'll aways be there, no matter when, no matter where.

With Oikawa in his arms, Iwaizumi understood. Just like the universe and the stars, Oikawa and him were bond together. The universe without the stars would just be an endless dark sky with nothing to look at, and he stars without the universe would have no place to be.

Just like them, Oikawa and Iwaizumi completed each other, and now that they were finally together, safe in each other's arms, they could shine upon the world, and nothing, no one, could ever stop them.

_Lotus: rising out of the pain, patience, enlightenment, harmony, love and compassion._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! This work is really long and doesn't have a lot of dialogues, but I felt like focusing more on Oikawa and his thoughts, so I truly wish you enjoyed reading them just like I enjoyed writing them! I feel like I always say this but.. English is not my first language, so I hope it didn't ruin everything 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> you can threaten me with a knife on my twitter @akechjgoro or on my cc: https://curiouscat.me/Iinhardt


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